shame
Shame is the sensed loss of our dignity and self-respect. When we have shame, it is not solely based on a behavior, it is more deeply personal and all encompassing. Guilt, for example, is based on a specific behavior we have done. Guilt has the sense of “I have acted wrong” whereas shame has the sense of “something is wrong with me.” Shame can lead to interpersonal problems, social anxiety, isolation, and depression. It is often masked by anger and anxiety. This post will talk about how and why shame can drive unhelpful behaviors and give suggestions on how to begin breaking the shame cycle.
One of the most important areas to explore when it comes to shame is our morality (values, principles, standards). In shame, we have experienced a moral injury. Our values and beliefs have been deeply violated. It is no wonder why people can become enraged from shame. After all, a person may sense that their deepest core values are at stake so becoming angry and reacting immediately is an understandable response. Unfortunately, this just perpetuates the cycle as the person will then feel guilty and ashamed. If you are frequently dealing with feelings of shame, start by exploring and discovering what values and personal principles are being broken. Remember, the moral injury feels like it is entirely you who is broken, unrepairable, unworthy, but it is the principle or value you have that drives this sense of self-loathing.
Shame creates an impaired capacity to connect genuinely. This fear of vulnerability often gets guarded by anger, blaming, or hiding. The four common responses to shame are: avoidance, withdrawal, attacking self, and attacking others. All of these responses have the goal to cover-up. The act of covering up further perpetuates the belief that we are not worthy or acceptable in the world. For people dealing with intense guilt, they need to practice forgiveness. For people who deal with shame, they need to practice reassurance and acceptance. Begin self-compassion, the antidote to self-hate, by accepting the parts of yourself that are being judged so critically. Without judgment, find the fear you have of being open and vulnerable. What may happen? Be seen as _________? Be treated as ______________? Then, if I am open and vulnerable to myself, what might I see? I may see that I am __________. I treat myself as __________. After answering these questions, it may be more clear to you what you need to do to begin gradually changing the shame cycle. For example, if you said “I treat myself as a second-class citizen”. It would be clear that you need to start taking small steps to be attuned to yourself, putting yourself first, asserting your boundaries, etc.
Shame can stem from the threat of social rejection. In fact, it is often interpersonal. You can feel ashamed independently but the shame itself is connected to others. It is not a mystery why people who feel shame, a form of personal self-hatred, can lead to withdrawal and isolation. This self-hate can lead to anger outwards or anger inwards. The anger outwards will lead to aggression at a target whereas the anger inwards will lead to isolation and depressive symptoms. The first suggestion for countering shame driven responses is to pause (to create more space between stimulus/response), breath (relaxes the body and tells the brain no need to react right now), and externalize your shame. One man practiced this method and described himself as being the helpful and accepting friend he desired to himself. He said “Friends try to slow you down and hold you back when you are about to do something you shouldn’t.” So when he would want to isolate or withdrawal, he would connect with others as much as he could to counteract this shame momentum and then he would speak to himself as though he was around these caring people. He would say to himself: “It isn’t going to help you to crawl into a hole even though I know that’s what you want to do, it will help you to realize that no one can define your value or life other than you. You will move on and it will pass quicker than you think.”