Gratitude

        Gratitude is often neglected and ironically unappreciated in therapy and psychological literature. It has only recently been realized as a significant force to happiness and well-being. Being in a state of gratefulness deters depressive symptoms, entitlement, and many other unpleasant or negative emotions. It is nearly impossible to be in a state of gratitude while in a state of negative emotion. Gratitude builds appreciation, thankfulness, and encouragement. How is gratitude tied to our well-being and how can we use it to grow our enjoyment?

        Often our pride and anger can block our appreciation of life’s little gifts. Some get locked into a state of: What is done well is because of me and whatever is negative is because of someone or something else. This neglects gratitude and simultaneously grows anger and blame. Gratitude is an agent of well-being and it buffers against negative emotions and negative mental states. 

        Gratitude can be described as having a warm sense of appreciation towards something or someone. When we have gratitude, it becomes difficult to get bogged down by misfortunes. More and more research is coming out about how gratitude can counteract depressive symptoms, anger, and anxiety. Gratitude brings with it a sense of goodwill towards that person or thing. This goodwill helps us in our self-image (see ‘Trust’ post) and becomes contagious with those around us. 

        One client, a woman now in her 50s, was in a tragic car accident when she was 16 years old. The car had been hit by a tractor trailer that was hauling propane gas. She was able to escape out of the vehicle but as she turned back to get her parents and sister, it was too late. She watched helplessly as her parents and sister were trapped in the car fire. Talking to her about this memory was shocking. She was able to attend to her painful memories with compassion and love. Love for those she lost and love for being a survivor. To this day, she is grateful for understanding the fragility of life and the importance of never taking time or people for granted.

        A core characteristic of people who are entitled is their lack of gratefulness. To be given privileges, good fortunes, or even breath on your next day is ultimately out of your control. Many people find this very difficult to admit. It takes vulnerability and an admittance of some form of dependability on the things we cannot control. To admit we are in debt and ultimately dependable on life is a bitter pill to swallow—at first. However, this bitterness can turn into giving thanks each day because none of us deserve the next moment—we are given it. 

        There is a village in Nassau that many volunteer workers in Pennsylvania go to annually. This village has very little water, if any at all. They have two outhouses in a village of 40+. 10 or more people often stay in one home which is the size of an outdoor shed. The food is scarce and good hygiene is nearly impossible. So try an exercise to look at what you have and for this exercise don’t mind the things you don’t have. Become skilled at paying attention to the positive/pleasant aspects and fortunes that you have “earned” or have been given. This could be honoring what another person has done, giving recognition to what you have or benefits you have received, undeserved merits, or anything you possess. One way to look at gratitude is no matter how hard you have worked for what you have, it was ultimately given. Practicing gratitude will build appreciation for the “small things”, help in being more welcoming to experiences, and grow positivity with yourself, others, and everything around us. 

        One woman in her late 60s had a childhood and adolescence full of trauma. When she was a child, she was abused emotionally, sexually, and physically. When she was an adolsecent she lost her sister to drugs. This woman had every right to be resentful and angry. But she wasn’t. In fact, she was grateful. She described her trauma as helpful in her journey. She was grateful for what her pain had taught her and how it helped her become resilient. She said it helped her learn how to have strong and healthy bonds, boundaries, and deep connections with others. She was, and still is, an expert at weeding out snakes. She believes her trauma gives her a form of strength that other people essentially cannot possess. She knows others cannot injure her soul because she had to deeply learned who she was at a young age. She is, as she describes, her best self-who she wouldn’t be without her past. Talk about grateful?