tolerance and resolution

        Without tolerance, we cannot endure. However if you solely focus on tolerance or “coping” then you will be stuck in a constant fight that doesn’t bring long-lasting relief or healing. This is one of the main reasons people come to therapy exhausted. The fact is we need both tolerance and resolution to find joy throughout our life. In this post we will talk about the first steps of tolerance and begin moving towards resolution.

        It is interesting that people with fear and pain want to resolve fear and pain due to their fear and pain. In other words, the fear and pain is the driving force of healing. It may feel as if this force is hanging above your head, forcing your hand to receive help. This help, however, won’t be from being forced. It will be from being in charge of your process.

        Unpleasant emotions are going to occur. Many talk about acceptance but what does this look like? Does it mean we approve of it? No. It means we notice and recognize what is occurring. Some get caught in a denial state. Without acceptance, fear won’t be confronted, anger won’t be seen as an emotion that can be used in healthy ways, and the body will be neglected. We need to be able to withstand and endure in the midst of stress, pain, and suffering. A goal many people used and found helpful has been “I will _________ even when feeling ________.” Fill in these blanks and take action even when at your worst. Looking for resolution before increasing tolerance is like expecting another storm not to ever come. You will encounter another situation or person that triggers you. We have the keen ability to push each other’s buttons. Often those that are hurt try to hurt. Similar is said that people who are anxious bring anxiety. We need to increase tolerance before the next wave comes our way. 

        First we need to understand that although our perceptions create automatic thoughts and then create feelings—we ultimately feel the unpleasant feelings in our body first. This means the initial unpleasant bodily sensations are likely a large part of your frustrations and stress. The tension, the aches, the pent up energy, the knots, the adrenaline, the sweating, the heart palpitations, the inability to relax, etc. These sensations cause many people to have immediate reactions. These reactions cause all sorts of problems in our life with work, family, and life satisfaction. To increase tolerance, we need to tolerate these unpleasant sensations with more effectiveness. In other words, we need to increase our ability to regulate. When you get upset, do you recognize the tightness and relieve this before taking any action? When you are afraid, you most likely feel your heart but do you know how to slow it down, do you use the rest of your body to rebalance your emotional state? Physiological regulation skills are one of most important first steps towards toleration (refer to the ‘Working Backwards’ post specific steps towards beginning this process). 

        If you solely focus on tolerance or “coping” then you will be stuck in a constant fight that doesn’t bring relief or healing. Many people come to therapy exhausted. They are constantly regulating without overcoming the source of the suffering. This is where it is helpful to uncover the beliefs, thoughts, perspectives, and cognitive states (tunnel vision, fast thinking, etc.) that trigger these unpleasant feelings. When you accept and begin to regulate, did you notice what automatic thought you had before getting the sensation. These automatic thoughts occur spontaneously without deliberation and often go unnoticed but the associated emotion is often noticed. The thoughts can be in verbal or image form. This step towards resolution is to become aware of the automatic thought that triggered the unpleasant sensation in your body. These thoughts are connected to beliefs about you and the world that we will get into more detail in other posts.

        Remember: thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interactive and related. Changing one will have an impact on the other. Start with physiological regulation and tolerance. This will give instant relief and provide a foundation for handling unpleasant emotions in the future. Next begin to move towards being aware of the automatic thoughts that trigger the unpleasant emotions. Practicing this process will begin creating a filtering system that doesn’t allow forces out of your control to govern you.