Anger in Kids (Relationship Factors)

        Anger in kids is complicated as it can stem from the history of the child, genetic and developmental influences, and environmental/systemic factors. The focus in this post will be about the environmental/systemic factors to anger and aggression for children. Family therapists know that we are influenced by others, we influence others, AND children are the most ‘influentiable’. When looking at relationship factors for anger in kids, it is helpful to first explore how the behaviors are serving the family or system rather than attempting to simply extinguish the behavior. In this post, we will discuss the possible underlying causes for a child’s defiance, anger, and negative behaviors from a systemic/relational perspective.

        Salvador Minuchin is the developer of structural family therapy (SFT). This form of family therapy is very effective and has become the foundation of family therapy across Pennsylvania. Minuchin worked as a child psychiatrist before developing SFT and he recognized that the child was being consistently influenced by the family. A professional needed to intervene at a family or systemic level in order to create change for the child that would be significant and long-lasting. *’Systemic’ refers to there being various factors working together and influencing a situation (similar to gears turning; if one gear came to a complete stop, it would effect the other gears).

        The top 3 tenants of Minuchin’s SFT model includes: Boundaries, Hierarchy, and Closeness/Distance. If we look at a child’s anger from a SFT perspective, we need to examine those three areas and determine how the family as a whole influences the child’s behaviors (in both positive and negative ways). In many families, for example, the child has too much power in the family (hierarchy), there are boundary issues (either too rigid boundaries or too loose boundaries), and there is either too much closeness (people constantly feeling like they are on top of each other) or too much distance (not enough contact with one another). Generally speaking, all three of these areas usually need adjusted if the child is showing extreme forms of aggression.

        Here is a classic/traditional example: A child is showing severe aggression through breaking objects and threatening others while being constantly defiant towards the parents. The mother is overwhelmed by her attempts at helping her kid with little success and feels unsupported from her husband. The husband/father spends a lot of time outside of the home and isn’t usually present when the child is aggressive. For this short example, a systemic family therapist may believe that the child is actually taking the father/husband’s role in the family. This is due to the father frequently being outside of the home thus leaving a role in the home open (the husband/father role). So the child steps into this role automatically and in doing so, perceives that he has gained a lot of power/status. When the mother tells him what to do, it may filter through his head as “Who is my mom to tell me what to do, I’m one of the leaders of this house!” Additionally, the disconnection between the father and mother (too distant) generally leads to an overconnection between the mother and child (too much closeness). This turns into inappropriate boundaries between both the father-child and between the mother-child. Since all of these areas are problematic (hierarchy/power, boundaries, and closeness/distance), this leads to an overloaded child who needs to prove he is an adult and the aggression becomes an attempt to get this burden off of his shoulders. 

        One of Minuchin’s findings was that aggression in kids can arise (or at least intensify) when the parents have tension or have poor relationship quality. This is not to say that all of the aggressive behaviors are due to the parents’ relationship. It is to say, however, that parents form the foundation of a family and if the foundation is shakey it can cause instability for anything on top of it.

        Take Brian and Kelly, a married couple of 15 years. Their child was behaving very aggressively for the past 2 years. They came to family therapy looking to change their child’s aggressive behaviors. When assessing all of the relationships in the home, the therapist noticed that Brian and Kelly’s relationship was distant. If they happen to interact with one another, it was cold, argumentative, and one-sided.

        After extensively assessing the family’s situation, the family therapist pointed out that one of the reasons the child may be behaving aggressively is to bring the parents closer together. In other words, when the child would escalate, the parents would come together, work together, and plan on how to deescalate him. Their relationship became better the worse the child behaved. Part of this realization came from the therapist asking what would happen if the child stopped behaving aggressively. After the parents initially responded with “It would be peaceful..” they began describing how everyone could just go about their lives. Well this is the dilemma for the child. If “everyone goes about their lives” then the parents remain disconnected and tense with one another leaving the home feeling anything but peaceful. 

        To reiterate, when looking at relationship factors for anger in kids, it is helpful to look for how the behaviors are serving the family or system rather than looking to simply extinguish the behavior. The behaviors may be the last-ditch effort towards connection. The relationships are often not the only source of the overall problem but it is important factor to consider if you are seeing anger and aggression in children. 

“Only the family, society’s smallest unit, can change and yet maintain enough continuity to rear children who will not be ‘strangers in a strange land,’ who will be rooted firmly enough to grow and adapt.”

-Salvador Minuchin