arguments

        A topic that comes up frequently in couples therapy is arguments. Is it ok to argue? One married couple proudly reported not having argued in their 23 years of marriage. It became quickly obvious that this pointed to an unhealthy pattern of avoidance and passivity more than it did a healthy and genuine relationship. Throughout their marriage, there was infidelity, secrets, and subtle threats of violence that pushed down conflicts. IF it is ok to argue then how do we turn arguments into something constructive? When are arguments helpful and when do they lead us further disconnected from our partner? This post will give 3 simple (not easy) methods to overcome harmful arguments.

        Some have said disagreements are ok but arguments are not. This can be a helpful tip but it can also cause people to surrender their attempt at exploring and discovering truth or right/wrong with their partner. A disagreement clearly means that there is not an agreeable right/wrong or truth (both partners disagree on what is right/wrong or true/false). An argument, however, can serve as a journey for both partners to oppose ideas, be ‘devil’s advocates’ and stir up deep discussions that further connect the couple. There’s no need to spend too much time with this but while some will say disagreements are fine but arguments are not, we ‘argue’ that arguments can be positive and worthwhile-depending on how they are done. 

        First, arguments can quickly become fast pace and you and your partner’s responses become more like reactions than thought-out replies. Due to the emotions becoming heightened, the reactions to what your partner says becomes quicker and quicker. The first method is going to be taking 5-10 seconds before responding after your partner finishes their point. Is this going to be awkward and lead to an uncomfortable silence? Of course but it has helped many couples to prevent reactivity. In these 5-10 seconds, breath and relax your body. The more tense our body becomes, the more the body sends signals to the brain that the current situation is dangerous. The more this happens, the more likely the brain will begin becoming more emotional (activating the limbic system) and less logical/rational (deactivating the neocortex). This 5-10 second pause to breath and relax the body will be unnatural at first so you can either show your partner this post or simply let them know that you are trying to take time before responding to prevent being reactive. 

        The second method is to change the goal of your role in the argument. Instead of trying to be the winner, try being an avid listener/reflector and a clear communicator. In other words, try making the goal of conversations and arguments to be 1) becoming more and more accurate in your interpretation of what your partner said AND 2) becoming more and more clear in delivering your message to your partner. For the first goal, we need to start with reflection. It is very difficult to have conversations spiral into pointless and draining arguments if you first start with reflecting what you heard the other person saying. Some start with “I get that..but..”. “I get that” is a lame excuse for reflection and usually sounds like you just want to get to your point plus the “but” dismisses anything you said before it. This happens very frequently when couples are told to reflect to their partner but may not be told ‘how’ to reflect. One way of practicing reflective listening is to say “So I heard you say ________, is that right?”  If you are wrong, you have to let go of what you thought they meant. There have been many situations in couples therapy that a partner will begin practicing this and say “I heard you say….” and their partner says “No, that’s not what I meant” only to be quickly cut off and told “But that’s not that what you said!”. Well there is no point in reflecting to get clarity if you are just going to cut the person off and argue about what they were trying to say or mean. “I heard you say ______, is that right?” No? Well I must be missing something can you either say it again or reword it so that I really understand where you are coming from? Remember, your new goal is to become an avid listener and reflector: this means you are trying to get better and better at being able to accurately interpret what your partner is saying and reflect it back to them to have them feel heard and understood. 

        There are a few traps people fall into for trying to achieve their second goal of becoming clearer with their message. First, they get upset if their partner’s interpretation is not accurate. Communication takes two so instead of becoming frustrated with your partner for not understanding you, re-word your message and try being more clear and concise. This takes time and practice but it helps to focus on your message and delivery rather than focus on the receiver’s errors for not understanding you. Another trap is bringing up too many points at once. Bring up only one point (AT THE MOST two) points before stopping and ensuring that your partner understands what you mean and where you are coming from. For example, a couple attempted a listening exercise during a couples therapy session and the wife began by saying, “I feel really alone and not supported with the children, I am exhausted about people at work putting so many demands on me, I’m stressed about money and our financial situation, and why were you so snappy with me the other day when I was simply asking you to watch the kids for an hour?” She was obviously overwhelmed and all of her statements are valid concerns and they need to be addressed. Bringing up 4-5 of them at one time, however, is only going to flood the listener and fog her main points. When she then tried again with, “I feel really alone and want to spend more time with you”, paused, and gave her husband time to reflect and respond to her- it led to a clearer process of attempting to resolve one concern at a time. 

        There is not only nothing wrong with having an argument or having your viewpoint challenged but it can be very healthy and helpful. There can be a way where both partners disagree and argue with one another AND feel closer to one another. A way to help this is to get away from thinking about “what you two are talking about” and look at “how you two are talking to one another”. The third method to having helpful conversations or arguments is to manage your body language. It is extremely difficult to have arguments turn into something harmful if both partners keep a calm voice and manage their body language. No this doesn’t mean you sound like a kindergarten teacher talking to children. It means you keep your volume in check, your tone softer as when you are being curious with someone, and keep your body language away from either being shut down (crossing arms) or aggressive (tight shoulders and jaw).

        How would this look if you put all 3 methods together? One way this may look: Your partner begins talking about a sensitive or touchy subject, you take 5-10 seconds to breath and relax your body, you reflect what they said (“So, what you are saying is ________?”), they say “Yes”, then you keep your volume, tone, and body language relaxed as you respond with JUST ONE of your main thoughts or feelings about the subject. It is amazing how simple these methods are and how helpful they have been to couples again and again. So don’t be like many and think, this won’t work-it is weird or our problems are more complicated than that. Remember, it often has much less to do with ‘what’ you two are having problems with rather than ‘how’ you two are attempting to resolve the problems.