“Helping others may not be helpful and helping yourself may help others. “
control
Anxiety and control are seeds grown from the same soil. It is from our fear that we need to control, it is from our helplessness that we attempt to control our fate. Often pain or trauma reminds us that things out of our control are dangerous. If we live too passively we feel as though we are a puppet on a string but if we live too ‘actively’ we try to control what isn’t ours. In either case, our stress spikes, our relationships suffer, and we’re left in a never ending cycle of frustration and pain. Why does this keep happening and what can we do about it: 3 strategies to interrupt this cycle.
Control is the power to direct or influence. We control to regulate or adapt. This helps us to create a sense of balance or harmony (it’s often described as grounded in many meditative practices or yoga practices). It is the sense that we are back in our skin, things are ok, and now is now. Even though we often (and consistently) influence others and visa versa, we are ultimately ONLY in control of ourselves. We ultimately cannot determine or ensure regulation from others. This is a topic that comes up so much in therapy and people have heard different phrases like ‘control what you can control’ or ‘just be yourself’ but they brush by some really core principles that can be very helpful. We cannot determine or ensure regulation from others, we cannot depend on others to make us happy, and we cannot expect ourselves to make others happy. Pain and trauma often clouds this fact so say that out loud: We cannot depend on others to make us happy and we cannot expect ourselves to make others happy.
This brings us to the 1st strategy: Leave other’s happiness in their hands. Focus on what makes you happy. But what if helping others is what makes me happy? Isn’t that trying to make them happy? Not necessarily- If helping others makes you happy or fulfilled-then help away! If serving another leaves you feeling used then don’t invest your time or energy into it—you’ll only get back anger and resentment. Typically “serving others” is more specific—some people you get great joy out of it (this is where your “help” is likely helpful) and others you may feel manipulated or that you’re enabling (this is where you “helping” is likely unhelpful for them).
Here are the areas that others may influence but we are ultimately in control of: our physiological state (body regulation, relaxation, tension, etc.), our behavior (our actions), our cognitive processes (thoughts, beliefs, etc.), emotions (our perceptions of the world). What is outside of these areas may be frustrating and may trigger our past but I would suggest that the frustration comes from your attempt at changing what is not yours to change. Our trauma and anxieties often create a misperception of responsibility-that is, we try to control what is not ultimately ‘us’ and we neglect what is.
2nd strategy: Pick one of the areas above and become very attuned to it for a whole day. For example, let’s say you pick physiological state. Notice where tension is in your body throughout the day. Or you pick behavior-be very aware of each choice/action you take throughout the day. Emotions-Be very attuned to your emotions and what raises or lowers your emotions throughout the day. Once you become very attuned to these areas-you’ll notice you have much more ability to influence what is happening internally.
Expectations are intertwined in our frustrations and lead to a great deal of anxiety that turns into fear when things don’t go either ‘as planned’ or ‘as we need them to go’. Our expectations in some philosophies and ideologies is the central point to frustrations and stress. When we expect something that doesn’t occur, we are immediately met with frustration. Our trauma may come from something we expected from someone else (dignity, respect, character, integrity, honesty, etc.) but this expectation was shattered and we’re left feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, sad, or resentful.
3rd Strategy: Whenever you get frustrated, angry, or hurt ask yourself who am I expecting to do what right now? And then am I in control of that? If not—set your focus on one of the areas above and take the time to acclimate yourself in that area. For example-a coworker does something you don’t appreciate (but isn’t against policy or human rights!). You get annoyed. You then ask yourself-am I in control of what they did or what they will do in the future? No. You then remind yourself to go to the ‘cognitive processes’ area to get very attuned to your thoughts and beliefs and realize you have a belief and thought that others should do what you believe is right. Then you start thinking and realizing “People have different beliefs and values and just because they do something that isn’t what I like (and maybe most people don’t like) doesn’t change anything about my life or my value system and I can still live my life the way I want.”
These strategies may take time to practice. Be patient and have grace with yourself while remembering that practice leads to mastery.